What It is Prefer to Be a Member of the Mormon Church When You are Homosexual

I used to be a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints as a child. You may acknowledge this church by their extra generally recognized nickname of Mormon. Maybe you even acknowledge the title from the broadway musical titled The E-book of Mormon, which takes a quite humorous take a look at the religion. Or possibly you’re considering, “Mormons, I do know them. They’re the folks that have 9 wives and the ladies put on their hair in that bizarre bouffant.” Let me right you there: The Latter-Day Saints (LDS) will not be these individuals.

LDS individuals delight themselves on values orbiting round household, missionary work, serving to others, and obeying the phrase of knowledge, which suggests no alcohol, tobacco or espresso. They’re throughout good individuals. However, they’re additionally the church that spent 20 million on the Prop 8 battle to ban homosexual marriage in 2008. And extra not too long ago, they’re the church that got here out with a coverage stating any youngsters raised by homosexual dad and mom will not be allowed to be baptized till they’re 18 years previous, they usually should agree that very same intercourse marriage is improper. Principally, these children should disown their dad and mom.

I assume this got here as a blow to many members who wished to have the ability to love their church and themselves, and I can relate. In my very own life, I went by way of an identical expertise of feeling like I had to decide on between my church and my reality.

It was the late Nineteen Nineties, and I used to be a young person on the time, questioning my sexuality whereas additionally realizing that I didn’t absolutely slot in with the LDS lifestyle. I had by no means met one other one that was overtly homosexual, not to mention one who was raised Mormon, however throughout that point, Ellen DeGeneres was stirring up controversy for popping out on TV, and I used to be secretly taping all the episodes. Nonetheless, this was lengthy earlier than “It Will get Higher” and “NOH8” campaigns had been on billboards and the Web. There was no Google or YouTube. No cell telephones or video chat. I had restricted assets of discover different individuals probably going by way of what I used to be going by way of.

I used to be conflicted with guilt about not eager to marry a returned missionary—as many ladies in LDS do—so I pushed my daydreams about Neve Cambpell to the facet, persevering with to go to church each Sunday and attend my youth group. This was my life as a closeted homosexual teen earlier than there was an abundance of mainstream visibility and okay-ness to be open.

As soon as I received to school, I shortly started to understand that neither the Gavin Rossdale poster on my dorm room nor my boyfriend had been going to make me really feel any otherwise in regards to the reverse intercourse. I used to be coming to phrases with what I had all the time recognized however selected to keep away from out of concern of being completely different. I used to be homosexual. And I used to be afraid of wounding my household, particularly those that had been nonetheless energetic within the church.

Although I had stopped going to church once I was 18 and started residing my life authentically, that didn’t cease the missionaries from knocking on my door and inspiring me to return again and settle for the gospel into my life once more. On one such event, whereas I used to be residing with my girlfriend, I instructed them that they didn’t need me again as a result of I used to be homosexual. “Are you positive?” they requested. 

Quickly after, I acquired a letter within the mail informing me that I had been excommunicated from the church. Due to who I really like, I used to be not worthy sufficient.

“I instructed them they didn’t need me again as a result of I used to be homosexual. ‘Are you positive?’ they requested.” 

Regardless of not being energetic within the church for a number of years, I nonetheless felt harm and rejected. I didn’t count on these emotions, however they had been there. I used to be in mourning, as I used to be saying goodbye to a faith that had been a significant a part of my life up till then. It was a faith that I as soon as believed in, even when we didn’t all the time see eye-to-eye. However now, the identical faith that after instructed me I used to be a toddler of God was now telling me—by way of a kind letter, no much less—that I am not the type of baby of God they need. My unhappiness turned to anger and I struggled for a very long time to regain any religion in any respect.

A part of my confusion was that I didn’t perceive how a faith that holds such excessive emphasis on service to others, loving thy neighbor, and abiding by the golden rule, wouldn’t settle for me for who I’m. I used to be torn between being beloved by the church and God and mendacity to myself. I began to slide away from the religion and have become an increasing number of remoted inside myself. It was not the LDS members that I had an issue with, and even the values—it was it’s unprogressive view of what qualifies as acceptable love.

It has been fifteen years since I got here out, and though they’re very loving and supportive at this time, a few of my Mormon household needed to undergo their very own technique of acceptance and coming to phrases with the truth that being homosexual was not a part for me. We needed to be affected person with each other.

And even with our completely different beliefs, I’ll all the time love my LDS family and friends simply as they are going to love me. I don’t blame them personally for the issues I see within the information or the cash the church spends on rejecting my marriage to a lady.

My spouse and I simply spent Thanksgiving with my Mormon brother and his household, who’ve all the time acknowledged our love as true. We’re aunties to their children. They show to me that there’s greater than meets the attention when a harsh headline rings out relating to Mormons and the LGBT neighborhood—simply as I don’t characterize each homosexual individual on this planet, they don’t characterize each LDS member both. My resentment about being shunned has was my very own religious journey in direction of a extra loving and compassionate life—one that’s impressed by a common reality that everybody shares: In the long run, all of us need the identical issues. To be beloved, understood, and to really feel that we matter. All of us wish to really feel like we belong. 

All pictures c/o the creator, Aja Blue.